There's a reason he doesn't hear what you're saying. New brain research reveals why (and what to do about it).
It seems there is no bigger difference between men and women, and no difference that causes more friction, than the way we communicate with each other. It's not that men don't listen or don't care. Rather, new research shows, they process what they hear differently than women do, quite possibly because of gender disparities in their brain chemistry, structure, and activity. Due to improved imaging techniques and testing methods, researchers are able to compare what happens within men's and women's heads as they listen, think, remember, and talk. Heres what they discovered:
Men and women process single words similarly, but when interpreting a sentence, men use a single specific area on one side of the brain whereas women mobilize the same area, but in the right and left parts of the brain.- Women appear to use more of their brains to listen and speak. That doesn't make women better listeners or speakers, but the increased accessibility they have to some parts of their brains may make activities essential to communication easier for them.
- Women tend to experience stress more intensely than men thanks to their rich estrogen supply, which activates a larger field of neurons than occurs in men during an upsetting experience.
- Women are better at tasks that require memorization because their higher level of estrogen is associated with improved learning and memory.
- Men can sometimes better identify straightforward emotions such as rage and aggression in others' facial expressions and tone of voice than women can. However, men don't score as high as women in picking up on subtle nonverbal cues that telegraph sadness or fear.
One of the most encouraging discoveries thus far is that the difference in our brain function narrows as we age. Talking to each other in a different way, one that respects our differences, may speed that process. Here are some effective strategies to use whenever you say something to a man that you really want him to hear. And consistent practice may help close your personal gender gap sooner rather than later.
Give him a heads-up
Because women have higher concentrations of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the part of the brain responsible for language and memory skills, information may be delivered more efficiently in your brain than it is in his. Avoid misunderstandings by letting him know when you're about to say something that needs his close attention. Tell him clearly that you want to have a serious talk.
Don't try to compete with distractions
Men don't multitask as well as women do. This may be related to the fact that in general women activate more areas in their brain than men do when performing identical tasks. So initiating a discussion while he's watching television or surfing the Internet means you won't get his full attention. Try to pick a time that's convenient for each of you and when you're both alert.
Ask for exactly what you want
Men are especially programmed to want to solve a problem when presented with one. But a solution isn't always what you're after. Sometimes you simply want to vent frustrations or anger or talk through potential solutions to determine which one makes the most sense. You're more likely to get the response you're hoping for if you tell your husband what you want from the beginning. For instance, you might say, "There are a number of ways this could go, and I'd appreciate it if you'd listen to a few of the options I'm considering." And if you're looking for a solution, ask him directly what he would do. ...and say what you mean
Research has found that men have more difficulty identifying facial expressions than women do, especially those on the female face. Men are also less skilled at identifying nonverbal cues of sadness and fear. Unfortunately, women tend to use a lot of facial expressions to communicate, which can lead to frustrating situations for you both: You feel that your needs are being ignored, while he's exasperated by the subtlety of your expressions and body language.
So say what you're thinking. Telling him directly, "I've had a really terrible day" works better than a miserable look. And instead of casting a reproachful or injured glance after he aims a barb your way, you might say, "That remark really hurt. Did you mean it?" Don't be surprised if he seems mystified. It's more evidence that he wasn't ignoring your feelings; he simply was unaware of them.
Stick to the subject
There's some evidence that women have better memories for the spoken word. Of course, this makes it easy for you to drag into the conversation every single hurt feeling you've had in the relationship. It takes a great deal of self-control to stop yourself from hurling old accusations, even when they have nothing to do with whatever sparked the current argument. Banishing the memory of a previous argument, but communication will be better if you attempt to restrict your discussion to the incident at hand.
End the conversation before it's over Another source of discord has to do with a difference of opinion about when a conversation should end. Because women are better at interpreting facial expressions, you're going to know when he's becoming bored or losing patience with a conversation, possibly even before he does. You may just be getting warmed up, but when you notice the signs, it's best to end it. Neither of you is at your best when you're tired, and men do seem to have less stamina for conversation than women do. It may take a few short talks to get the job done.
Be patient
These strategies work, whether you're still in the first blush of romance, deciding to take your relationship to a more serious level, or long married. Be it your first serious discussion or the 4,000th, improving communication takes practice. Think of it as getting your brain and his in sync.
h.n.
